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Keep it up all day

It’s not every day you save yourself a significant amount of money with a dab of hair product.

During the last spell of sodden weather, the front door of my building got damp, and swelled up to the point where getting in and out of it became a job best suited to those with more than 11 stone of body mass to throw at it. An upstairs neighbour texted, asking me to contact the building owners and get it sanded down.

Problem is, my building’s particular management agency are highly professional and ludicrously expensive. When one is charging a 10% management fee and passing all expenses on to the leaseholders, it is in one’s interest to splash a bit of cash when the opportunity arises. Recently someone reported a squeak of feedback on the entryphone system, precipitating nearly a thousand pounds of work, while a small leak in the roof last year sparked off a comprehensive exterior renovation that spiralled into tens of thousands.

I shuddered inwardly at the thought of how much of my money they might be able to spend on a sticking door. Clearly there was no need to open Pandora’s box. I texted back.

‘No problem – I’ll call them first thing tomorrow. Hope all’s well with you. Joly’

A month or so previously, on a hung-over Sunday in Big Red, my friend Alix had gifted me a pot of rockabilly hair pomade called ‘Cock Grease‘ (slogan: ‘KEEP IT UP ALL DAY!’). As far as I could tell it was basically perfumed axle grease. I smeared a big dollop all over the sticking bits of the door, and it closed beautifully.

I thought I might have to re-lubricate, but in fact the Cock Grease kept the door working smoothly for several days until such time as it dried out of its own accord. By the by, it’s also excellent for slicking hair, particularly for those of us who like to channel our inner 1940s black marketeer.

Think I probably owe Alix a drink.

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