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Dear Pricilia

I just found this old reply that I once sent in response to an email I received at work. Oddly enough they never got back to me.

Dear Pricilia,

Really sorry but I shall have to turn down your very kind offer.

It’s not that I don’t want your father’s treasure. I’m sure as former foreign minister for Liberia he was a terribly wealthy man, though possibly a little careless putting it all in your name and that of an American he’d never met then eloping to Ghana with his mistress. Also not to be damning but he should have checked out Mr Smith’s hobbies before making him foreign custodian of the funds. Tragic as it was, men into, say, teatowel collecting or taxidermy are not routinely killed in power-boating accidents.

You catch me at just the wrong moment I’m afraid. Alison from Iraq emailed last month, and her ex has a rather more substantial treasure. It seems to be quite costly getting hold of it, but I am a man of my word and have continued to send cheques at her request. She assures me it shouldn’t take much more.

Thing is, I don’t suppose you could spot me a bit of cash could you? It’s been a rough few months. First there was that stock in the Square Mountain Fizzy Drinks Company that was set to skyrocket. That little loss was fine – millionaires have to take a few risks along the way and all that – but then when I left my job for the financial director’s position at the Kondor furniture company, it all started to go pear-shaped.

After I’d sent them all my personal information and banking details they went bust and clean vanished. Poor luck for them I’d say, but it also left me out of work. Around the same time, someone must have stolen one of my statements or something, because loads of money left my account, and the bank refused to refund it. Worst of all this happened just as I was in the middle of trying to bring Arlena over from Russia. It’s a beautiful story – all the way over there she felt empty place in her heart and knew it was for me.

She’s still waiting for the visa to clear, but trouble was though that Wanda from the US got in touch telling me that my woman was cheating on me. Obviously I was heartbroken, but fortunately Wanda was adamant that a shipment of MeGad1K would fix the problem. I don’t mind saying I believe in old-fashioned romance, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for Arlena, but it all adds up.

So I’ll tell you what, if you send me, say, 40 grand, I’ll give you ten per cent of my cut of Alison’s old husband’s fortune. I know you don’t need the money, but we can use that ten per cent to find your dad’s treasure, then we’ll both be able to go to the US and invest it in property just like you promised. Arlena will have to come too of course, but from her emails she seems to be uncommonly open-minded so I’m sure it won’t be a problem.

Let me know what you think, and thanks again for thinking of me,

Joly

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