Dear National Express,

I am writing to ask you to remove the tracking device which you have concealed somewhere about my person.

On weekday mornings, when I arrive on the platform at Walthamstow in time for the 8.33 to Chingford, the train is almost always delayed. Usually by four or five minutes, but sometimes substantially longer, especially if I am early or it is uncommonly cold.

If, however, I arrive between five seconds and a minute late, (which usually happens when I am on time but get stuck behind a fat person on the escalator), I leap up the stairs to see the train pulling away in front of me, sometimes with several local schoochildren smirking derisively through the window.

This happens so consistently that I am certain you have some kind of electronic tracker on me that allows you to monitor my movements and regulate your service to my maximum inconvenience. I request that it be deactivated as soon as possible.

I have tried wearing completely different clothes each day, using a different, unregistered Oyster card, and even going to work without my glasses in case the bug was in those. I can only assume therefore that it must either be in my fake ceramic front tooth or some kind of magnetic ink in the skylark tattoo on my chest.

I read somewhere that one can kill these transmitters by exposing them to radiation, but since I am unwilling to put either my head or torso in a microwave, it will have to be deactivated remotely from your office.

I do feel that this engineered unreliability is rather unfair, given the high price of the ten-minute journey and the consistent rudeness of your inspectors when they catch any of my fellow commuters who have failed to pander to the absurdity which is the Oyster extension permit.

Another option would be to try and get the trains running on time, then when I’m late for work it would be my fault rather than yours. If we went for this scheme then I could keep the tracker and it would be useful to my mum if I ever went missing.

Let me know your thoughts